Well today sucked. I was with my husband running errands today. We had lunch (I ate reasonably well) and after our last stop, I wanted to get a malt. He said no. Not because he didn't want to stop, but because he thought he was helping me with my "weight" problem. That's fine. But I snuck around and bought a bunch of Easter candy on sale and ate a ton of peanut butter and chocolate candy. I mean I ate 4 peanut butter cups, 3 peanut butter eggs, 2 small peanut butter cups, a king-size bag of Reese's pieces, and a giant peanut butter bunny. Um....I think I should have just got a malt.
I tried being active; running around with the dog, walking around outside. But I felt too heavy for heavy activity. Stupid.
Good night.
Sue 248
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Introduction
I need a place to write my life with anonymity. I don't want anything saved to a physical portal. So having a blog is the right answer, no? I guess so. I'm not sure who will read this accidentally, but I feel I need to define my approach.
I have spent years hating my appearance. I have an eating disorder of which the general public does not recognize as a disease. I am not anorexic or bulimic; but I know I'm going to hell for wishing I was. I overeat. Severely. I binge and do not purge. I eat so much it hurts and I eat more to ease the pain. I eat until all I can do is sleep. I eat myself into a food coma. Here is why I need to blog: people who I know always respond the same way when I divulge my secret.
"We all have that problem."
"Oh honey, you're telling me! I ate a whole box of ice cream last night!"
"Me too."
"It's all in portion size. Count the points. Count the calories. Always leave food on your plate. Never take seconds. Drink a lot of water. Set your fork down between bites. No carbs. No sugar."
I know, I know, I know. But that is not helping me. What I have is similar to a drug or alcohol addiction. I only do it when I'm alone. I cancel plans so I can do it alone. I hide the evidence. I am depressed afterwards and need to do it again. I know its wrong while I'm doing it. The more I try not to, the more I want to. I started smoking cigarettes to help distract me. I try exercising too hard to take time away from eating. I sleep so I don't eat.
I pretty much have tried everything. As a teenager I used illicit drugs including the felonious stimulants. If I had access to those today I would spend whatever necessary to get a boatload. I hate smoking; I used to think smoking would help me fight my urges. If I wanted to eat, I would go smoke. So I could be skinny and smoking. But now I'm smoking AND fat. I don't know how to quit my addiction.
I don't even know if "felonious" was used in the right context. I just didn't want to spell the words out lest someone googles them and finds my blog. See - I even have paranoia from my habit!
Ok, so even I'm a little confused by everything I've typed so far. It just makes it that obvious that I need an outlet. This was supposed to be an introduction, so I'll summarize my problem and goals in 10 points.
1. I'm in my late 20's and have struggled with obesity for the majority of my life.
2. My one successful (skinny moment) of my life led into one of the worst moments of my life: cancer.
3. I'm 5'8" and weigh 245lbs. Currently my most.
4. I eat healthy when I eat a 'normal' diet, but I binge almost 6 days a week.
5. My definition of binge eating is eating all of something that equals more than 3 servings. Basically devour a whole package of cookies, a whole bag of chips, a whole jar of peanut butter, etc. all in one sitting.
6. One day in my bachelorette-hood I ate 3 value meals from McDonald's for supper. In the aftermath I calculated how many calories I had in all that day to be 22,460. That is not a typo. Over twenty thousand calories in one day.
7. I smoked in my teen years, quit, smoked casually in my drinking years (age 21 to about 24), quit, smoked socially, quit, smoked because I hated my job, still smoke because I don't think I can quit now. I've tried 3 times in 4 months. I don't actually want to quit either because I feel I will eat more. Conundrum?
8. I secretly wish I hated some kind of food like everyone hates some kind of food. I don't. I'll eat anything.
9. I wish I could starve myself.
10. I wish I could run until I vomit or pass out...I just wish I could exercise myself the way I feed myself.
So if anyone can find something socially wrong, unhealthy, self-destructing, or just bad about those points, then there is my reason for blogging. I need something. This is the next thing I try to help myself.
Sue, 245
I have spent years hating my appearance. I have an eating disorder of which the general public does not recognize as a disease. I am not anorexic or bulimic; but I know I'm going to hell for wishing I was. I overeat. Severely. I binge and do not purge. I eat so much it hurts and I eat more to ease the pain. I eat until all I can do is sleep. I eat myself into a food coma. Here is why I need to blog: people who I know always respond the same way when I divulge my secret.
"We all have that problem."
"Oh honey, you're telling me! I ate a whole box of ice cream last night!"
"Me too."
"It's all in portion size. Count the points. Count the calories. Always leave food on your plate. Never take seconds. Drink a lot of water. Set your fork down between bites. No carbs. No sugar."
I know, I know, I know. But that is not helping me. What I have is similar to a drug or alcohol addiction. I only do it when I'm alone. I cancel plans so I can do it alone. I hide the evidence. I am depressed afterwards and need to do it again. I know its wrong while I'm doing it. The more I try not to, the more I want to. I started smoking cigarettes to help distract me. I try exercising too hard to take time away from eating. I sleep so I don't eat.
I pretty much have tried everything. As a teenager I used illicit drugs including the felonious stimulants. If I had access to those today I would spend whatever necessary to get a boatload. I hate smoking; I used to think smoking would help me fight my urges. If I wanted to eat, I would go smoke. So I could be skinny and smoking. But now I'm smoking AND fat. I don't know how to quit my addiction.
I don't even know if "felonious" was used in the right context. I just didn't want to spell the words out lest someone googles them and finds my blog. See - I even have paranoia from my habit!
Ok, so even I'm a little confused by everything I've typed so far. It just makes it that obvious that I need an outlet. This was supposed to be an introduction, so I'll summarize my problem and goals in 10 points.
1. I'm in my late 20's and have struggled with obesity for the majority of my life.
2. My one successful (skinny moment) of my life led into one of the worst moments of my life: cancer.
3. I'm 5'8" and weigh 245lbs. Currently my most.
4. I eat healthy when I eat a 'normal' diet, but I binge almost 6 days a week.
5. My definition of binge eating is eating all of something that equals more than 3 servings. Basically devour a whole package of cookies, a whole bag of chips, a whole jar of peanut butter, etc. all in one sitting.
6. One day in my bachelorette-hood I ate 3 value meals from McDonald's for supper. In the aftermath I calculated how many calories I had in all that day to be 22,460. That is not a typo. Over twenty thousand calories in one day.
7. I smoked in my teen years, quit, smoked casually in my drinking years (age 21 to about 24), quit, smoked socially, quit, smoked because I hated my job, still smoke because I don't think I can quit now. I've tried 3 times in 4 months. I don't actually want to quit either because I feel I will eat more. Conundrum?
8. I secretly wish I hated some kind of food like everyone hates some kind of food. I don't. I'll eat anything.
9. I wish I could starve myself.
10. I wish I could run until I vomit or pass out...I just wish I could exercise myself the way I feed myself.
So if anyone can find something socially wrong, unhealthy, self-destructing, or just bad about those points, then there is my reason for blogging. I need something. This is the next thing I try to help myself.
Sue, 245
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